25 TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP FOR THOSE WITH ADD
The following rules of thumb and "tips" may be helpful in solving other problems faced by a couple whose half has ADD. They provide a starting point for conversations between partners. And you use the best when you read each other out loud. Take a break after every piece of advice and talk about whether he might be able to help you. In doing so, you can gradually develop your own way of dealing with the ADD in your relationship. The key to all of this, as is the case with most problems, is improved communication and the resolution of the power struggle.
- 1) Make sure you get a confirmed diagnosis. There are many conditional images that look like ADD, ranging from excessive coffee, anxiety, character neuroses to hyperthyroidism. Before you start treating ADD, consult with your doctor to see if what you have is really an ADD and not something else. Once you are sure of the diagnosis, get as much ADD as possible. There is a large, ever-increasing number of publications on the subject. The more you and your partner know about it, the better you can help each other. The first step in treating an ADD - whether your partner or anyone else is suffering from the disorder - is information.
2) Keep your humor, an ADD can be really funny sometimes. Do not miss an opportunity to laugh! At the spiritual Crossroads so well known to us all, where only a fraction of a second separates us from either going crazy or bursting into tears or laughing loudly, you decide to laugh. Humor is one of the keys to a happy life with ADD.
- 3) Close a truce. After you have been informed about the diagnosis and have read some of it, take a deep breath and wave the white flag. Now you both need a breather to gradually put your relationship on a new footing. You may feel the need to ventilate a lot of pent up bad feelings. If you do, you will not carry it around with you.
- 4) Set a time for two-way calls. It will take time to talk to each other about ADD - what ADD is, how it affects your relationship, how everyone wants to deal with how everyone sees it for themselves. Do not do that in-between that is, between commercials on television, drying dishes, between telephone conversations and so on. Set a time that you reserve for yourself.
- 5) Do not mince words. Tell each other what you have on your mind. The effects of ADD are different for each couple. Talk to each other about how they show themselves to you. Tell each other, what drives you crazy, what you like, what you want to change, what should remain the way it is. Try to pronounce everything before you start to react. People with ADD tend to cut short conversations, getting everything straight to the point. In this case, the essential point is the conversation as such.
- 6) Write down your complaints and suggestions for amendment. It is good to have written what you change and what you want to preserve. Otherwise, you forget it in the end.
- 7) Make a treatment plan. Brainstorm with your partner how to achieve your goals. You may feel the need to take this step without professional advice, but it is advisable to try this step alone first.
- 8) Pull the plan through. Remember, one of the main features of ADD is the inability to stay on the shelf, so you need to make an effort to stick to your plan.
- 9) Make lists. Lists will become a habit over time.
- 10) Use a pinboard. Written messages are less easily forgotten. Of course, as time goes on, you have to get used to looking at the wall.
- 11) Place notepads in strategically important places, such as your bed, your car, your bathroom, your kitchen.
- I12) It is best to share the wishes that you have with your partner. Write down and give him or her daily in the form of a list. This must be done with the intention of helping and not with the intention to tyrannize the other. Lead a common agenda. Make sure that each of you looks into it every day.
- 13) Consider your sex life in the light of ADD. As mentioned earlier, ADD may affect your interest in sex and sexual desire. It's good to know that the problems come from an ADD and not from anything else.
- 14) Avoid the slut cleanup pattern. They do not want the partner without ADD to "activate" the partner with ADD by constantly chasing after him, as the non-drinking spouse may "activate" the drinking spouse by constantly helping him to cover up,
- 15) Avoid the gripe shutdown pattern. They do not want the partner without ADD to constantly chatter the partner with ADD that he should be present, concentrate or come out behind the newspaper. People with ADD often need a certain "off-time" every day to recharge their batteries. It is better to agree on this time in advance and to keep it free, rather than arguing over it again and again when the time comes.
- 16) Avoid the victim tormentor pattern. They do not want that partner with ADD to stand as a helpless victim in the power of an all-dominating partner without ADD. This dynamic can develop easily if you are not careful. The ADD patient needs assistance and order patterns. The healthy partner tries to give him that. Unless there is total agreement on what is going on, assistance and ordering patterns may look like control and nagging.
- 17) Avoid the slave-slave pattern. A consequence of No. 16. However, strangely, it often happens that the partner without ADD feels that he is a slave to the ADD of his partner. The non-ADD partner may feel that the ADD symptoms are destroying the relationship by wrapping around them like tentacles, destroying what could and could have been a loving relationship day after day.
18) Avoid making the pattern of the sadomasochistic struggle your daily routine. Prior to medical diagnosis and intervention, many ADD-related couples spend most of their time attacking each other. One hopes to get beyond and into the area of problem-solving. Beware of the secret pleasure that can be found in the altercation. ADD can make you desperate, so it may be fun to punish your partner by arguing with him. Leave out your anger at the disturbance and not at the person. Say: "I hate ADD" instead of "I hate you" or "ADD makes me crazy" instead: "You're driving me crazy".
- 19) Generally wary of the dynamics of domination, dominance, and subjugation, which lurks in most relationships, not to mention the relationship in which an ADD is involved. On both sides, try to be as clear as possible so that you do not move towards competition but towards cooperation.
- 20) Stop the tape of negativism. Many adults with ADD have, over a long period of time, acquired a negative attitude under the motto "There is no hope for me". Likewise, it can happen to both partners in a couple of relationships. As will be mentioned more frequently in this book, negative thinking is the most destructive force in the treatment of ADD. What I call the "tape of negativism" can run mercilessly, unforgivingly and without end in the head of a person with ADD. It is as if it were starting to move at the first ray of sunshine and would not settle until the unconsciousness of sleep shuts it off. It plays over and over again grueling sounds like "you cannot"; "You are angry"; "You are stupid"; "It will not work"; "Just look how far back you are"; "You're just a born loser." The tape can be in the middle of a business meeting, on the drive home in the car, when the thoughts wander idly, or it can displace the act of love. It's hard to have feelings of love in love when you're full of negative thoughts. Like a devilish succubus, these thoughts instead seduce you into "loving" those same thoughts. This tape is very hard to stop, but it can be erased with conscious, patient effort.
- 21) Do not save with praise or encouragement. Gradually run a positive tape. Discover something positive every day that you can say about your partner and yourself. Build each other consciously and purposefully. Even if it seems like hocus-pocus at first - over time you will feel comfortable, it will have a stabilizing effect on you.
- 22) Learn how to manage moods. Foresight is a wonderful way to help someone deal with the ups and downs of their inner life. This is especially true with ADD. If you know in advance that you will get an answer to your kind "good morning, darling" such as "let me", you can take it easier and you do not have to get divorced. And if the other half of the couple has learned about moods, then the answer to Good morning darling might be, "Listen, I'm in my ADD hole right now," or something in the direction, not a verbal one Attack.
- 23) Leave to those of you the two who can do better. It makes no sense to deal with something that you cannot handle. If you cannot manage the business book, then do not run it. If you cannot buy clothes with the kids, then do not buy clothes with them. That's one of the advantages of being a couple. There is another person who can help out. What this other person does, however, must be appealingly recognized, acknowledged, and made good.
- 24) Take time for each other. If you can only do that by setting a schedule, then set a schedule. It is a must-have. Many people with ADDs are looking for a way like mercury. In a moment you have them, and the next moment they are gone again. Open communication, expression of affection, tackling problems, shared leisure time activities and shared amusement - all these ingredients of a good relationship cannot come about if you do not spend time together.
- 25) Do not use ADD as an excuse. Every half of a couple must take responsibility for what they do. Although you should not use ADD as an excuse, the knowledge of the syndrome can contribute immeasurably to the understanding that you bring into the relationship.
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